Where the sun don't shine


March 29, 2010

  Today I had a colonoscopy. My gastroenterologist advised me that I would feel some discomfort during the procedure. I wonder if the person who put the torch to Joan of Arc’s wood pile said, “You may feel some discomfort?” There are times when a single word is woefully insufficient to capture the true sense of a feeling so I turned to the thesaurus and found these words, which I believe collectively better communicate my experience:  embarrassment, discomfiture, unease, uneasiness, awkwardness, discomposure, nervousness, perturbation, distress, anxiety; chagrin, mortification, shame, humiliation. And these: pain, aches, soreness, tenderness, irritation, stiffness, twinge, pang, throb, cramp. And there you have it, my day in 24 words.
  Before the good doctor began he asked me if I had any questions. I just could not let an opportunity like that slip by. I said I did have one question. I asked him what the procedure would be called in Montreal. He looked a little puzzled and gave what could best be called a facial shrug and said,”a colonoscopy.” I said, “Oh, I was just wondering if it might be called a Canadian Goose.”

I am pleased to announce that I will not be dying of colon cancer in the near future. The Doctor did find two very small benign polyps and a set of car keys. The polyps were removed along with the car keys although I no longer own that car.

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