Jan 28, 2005

Today CNN ran a story about a new tax. One of the east coast states has passed what was referred to as a "vanity tax". In that state one now has to pay a six percent tax on plastic surgery. The reasoning being that plastic surgery is not required for basic health but simply a way for wealthy people to loose their crow’s feet or extra chins. Well what about "The Elephant Man" or some poor kid with an ear the size of a Big Mac. If someone is so darn ugly that they won’t leave the house is that vanity or a mental health issue?

I propose that there be formed a state committee to give points to ugly people that can be used as a credit toward the plastic surgery tax. Seems like the only fair and equitable way to go. So one would just make an appointment at their local SOUR (State Office of Ugliness Ratings) and get their PUS (Personal Ugliness Score). The score would be between one and six to match the percentage points of the tax.

The score system could work something like this: Your Pus score would be deducted from your tax obligation in the following amounts.

  1. Zero points for the following:  If you want a little botox in those crow’s feet, if you have only one extra chin or you are a black rock star who wants to look like an anorexic white chick.
  2. One point for each of the following:  Each nipple over that divinely mandated number of two. This category applies to exotic dancers and professional wrestlers only. Any scar, not self inflected, longer that three millimeters in any direction. A tattoo received under duress.
  3. Two points for the following:  If it can be documented that more than three persons have mistaken you for Mother Teresa. If you have a wart on your nose larger than a coco-puff. A tattoo of a former lover who is now serving time in prison. .
  4. Three points for the following:  If you over hear your coworkers mention your name when discussing possible Halloween costumes. A tattoo of a former lover who has since had a sex change.
  5. Four Points for the following:  If children look at you and spontaneously begin to cry.
  6. Five Points for the following:  If your bank actually requests that you ware a stocking over your head when conducting business. A tattoo of a former lover who has had a sex change and married one of your parents.
  7. And six points for the following:  If you have ever been picked up by an animal control officer, and had to have a relative come down to straighten the matter out.


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