The General Unified Theory of Everything According to The Great Howie

photo not by The Great Howie

Mankind has, since the beginning of recorded history (and most likely for a considerable time before that) had a burning desire to know how this all started and why, or if there actually is a "why" for that matter. The relentless pursuit of this question has spawned both religion and science. So what is this thing we call "The Universe"? Today it is defined to be all existing matter and space. But does it have a beginning? Will it have an end? Is there a boundary? Is there a center? Many people could not care less, some give it a passing thought from time to time, some devote a lifetime to studying it, and some become so obsessed with it that they are capable of entering a murderous rage when their particular notion of the universe is questioned or ridiculed. I've been giving the matter some thought for many years and I will share my path to enlightenment with whoever cares about such matters.
Early man thought that the universe was comprised of everything he could see, or had seen on his way to the neighboring tribe in the adjacent valley. The Universe was, for the most part flat and it's center was somewhere around the environs of his village. That idea became known as the Geocentric Universe. The Earth, or "this world" being the center of everything, makes perfectly good sense to anyone who has not yet noticed that the moon is round and during an eclipse the sun is opposite the moon and the shadow cast on the moon, which should in all likelihood be that of the earth, is itself round. It will take some time before someone connects those dots. So in the meantime the world is flat by direct observation and was created by the gods or maybe just one really industrious god and the reason was to make us all very happy. Everything went along just tickity-boo until some jerk pissed off god. Then all we had to do was sacrifice a virgin and everything would be just ducky once again until the next nincompoop pissed off the gods. (or god, take your pick)
That notion was useable until upstarts like Galileo Galilei, and Johannes Kepler and their ilk, having way too much time on their hands began mucking about with things like observation, reason and mathematics. The Earth was not only a sphere, it was not the center of the Universe. The earth moves about the Sun and not the other-way around. "Oh rats", thought the Pope!
This created a big problem for all the people who made a pretty good living by scaring the crap out of the unwashed masses with demons and a god who loves them but will cast them into eternal flames if they don't, among other things, pay his appointed messengers ten percent of what ever they have. (Mafia, bad! - Church, good!) The church had told them that the earth was the center of everything. If that was a load of sheep-dip maybe the whole ten percent thing could be ignored as well. So, in order to hang on to their phony-baloney jobs the clergy tried to put the Kibosh on the whole thing. Reason eventually won out and the Heliocentric universe became accepted as truth in spite of the old testament, and some pockets of nincompoopery that still exist today where education is optional and marrying your first cousin is accepted as long as she is more than twelve and a half years of age.
The Heliocentric Universe made perfectly good sense until Edwin Hubble discovered that the every galaxy is moving away from every other galaxy and the entire universe is therefore expanding. To muddy the waters even more Einstein's Relativity theory tells us that there is no geometric center, and in order to define motion and location a reference point must be defined, but it does not matter where one defines it. Oh boy! What a nifty idea that is. There has also been talk of multiple or parallel universes. So I thought about all that from time to time when my alleged mind was not otherwise engaged.
Then it came to me one day in a flash of insight that the center of the universe could be whatever I defined it to be. So why not my navel. And with that stroke of enlightenment the Egocentric Universe popped into being. Shazam! Instantly everything fell into place and at the same time began to make perfect sense!
I am the center of the universe! So there. My belly-button is the center of my particular universe. That in no way precludes the existence of your particular universe. Your universe is perfectly welcome to overlap my universe from time to time if I so chose. Now for the good parts. I can never die. How can I? If I cease to exist my universe also ceases to exist, making my death meaningless. Your universe may notice something different, but in my universe it is undefined and therefore meaningless. It will in fact not happen.
I can never be lost in the egocentric universe. Where I am at any moment is the exact center of everything. Therefore if I don't happen to know the location of something or someone it's not my problem, it is theirs.
The egocentric universe is such a marvelous place, for within its confines one can never die and one is never lost. And there you have it!
The Great Howie

Back to Thoughts and Observations